Yesterday, I celebrated Sankranti with my family after three years. People all over India celebrate the day by flying kites. As I looked at the images, I realized that a kite whose string has been cut is a fitting metaphor for my life right now. Untethered, buffeted by the wind and trying to remain in the air.
For the past year and a half my personal life was a mess as I battled with depression, PTSD, self harm and anxiety. My work was the one positive that I clung onto to keep me sane. Consulting is a challenging industry to be in. Throw all these other factors in the mix and it quickly blows up. I was on a horrible project earlier this year. The team environment was so toxic that I developed anxiety and even had to go to the ER with heart palpitations. I was taken off that project and needless to say, got a bad performance review.
Still, I focused on job as I had worked too hard to get there and would not give up without a fight. The next few months were much better. I work with a different director on building up a whole new offering which will be a differentiator for the firm. I was in the midst of a challenging project when I found out that my visa had been denied and my work authorization ended almost immediately. The company filed for a motion to reconsider but in the mean time, I had to stop working and go back to India to await the decision.
The uncertainty of whether I would get to return to my life in Chicago was draining. After two months of radio silence from the firm, I received even worse news. I was laid off. One black mark negated all the good work which I had done
My world was turned upside down. The one positive thing that I had clutched onto through the worst of my depression was taken away from me. Strangely, though I was hurt I also felt a little relieved. At least it put an end to the uncertainty. I feel that I had lost control of my life. I let other people and situations determine how my life shaped up. Now, I vow to take back control. I may be a 28 year old single, unemployed girl who is going back to live with her mother, but from now on, I take control of my life.
2017 is going to be a good year for me. I’m not going to accept anything less!